2020 09 12: Spring of 2018

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Please play the following song and read the story at the same time.

For the first time in my life, I can think about Tyler without being sad or uncomfortable or depressed.

I've kind of hit a wall when it comes to making stories. I get ideas in my head, and I like them, but when I go down to write them, they kind of seem like a waste of time. The fact that I can think and write about Tyler without adverse side effects is good. I've been ignoring what happened between me and him, watering down this blog with stories more about my character than me. I am still out of habit using Tyler's fake name when writing about him; granted that's necessary for his privacy, but I don't need to when writing, I can just find and replace his name in 2 seconds.

I have made a decent impression of my relationship with him, but there's one thing I have failed to describe: the complete and overwhelming amount of happiness I experienced in the four and a half months we were close.

There was such a unique kind of energy I experienced in that time. I was happier than I am now, and way happier than I was before. He was sweet, kind, understanding, trustworthy, cute. We both were experiencing the same kind of thing in our lives. He was quiet and discrete. We probably only talked to each other a handful of times. He was sexual, he regularly leaned his butt on me, he let me touch him, hold him; I miss that. We never kissed.

I've never felt anything similar before - someone wanting to spend time with me like that, someone who I actually liked, and not just "liked" because I was fishing for a relationship.

I dreamed about being with him. I dreamed about marrying him - living with him for the rest of our lives, doing whatever we wanted. I regularly thought about fucking him, I got off to the idea that he wanted me on top of him, inside him.

I just felt happy, he felt happy. The weather during that period was perfect; the sunny 70 degree days complemented our relationship perfectly.

For the first time in years I woke up eager to start my day.

And then it just stopped.

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